The Dual Identity (TheAGPrick)

 Are you a young man with AGP, who can't decide if they actually want to transition? Read this!

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One of the Seven Hermetic Principles discussed in The Kybalion is the Principle of Polarity, which pertains to the dualistic nature of our existence here on Earth. Every concept is accompanied by an opposing concept. Up and down, right and wrong, dead and alive - are all examples of pairs of opposites that make up reality as we know it. The Principle of Polarity claims that understanding a pair of opposites as two separate entities is actually an illusion, and that each pair of opposites is, in actuality, the extreme ends of one spectrum. This provides further proof that nothing in life is black and white; everything is always a gray area. After all, black and white are really just two extreme expressions of gray.

There is also the Hermetic Principle of Gender, which claims that gender permeates everything, on all three planes of existence: the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. The negative and positive charges of the atoms and electrons that beget material reality, are an example of masculine and feminine energy, working together. The masculine and feminine need each other to maintain a proper balance. A human beings biological sex is a manifestation of the gender that the individual is more aligned with - in theory, at least. Beyond the physical plane, however, each individual possesses both feminine and masculine energy, and one should strive to find and maintain a balance of the feminine and masculine within themselves, if they are to reach their full potential.

When the fifth edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was released in 2013, Gender Identity Disorder was replaced with Gender Dysphoria, due to stigma the word "disorder" carries. I feel like it would have been a better idea to have kept both conditions. There are trans people who do not connect with Gender Dysphoria. Is it possible that some of these same trans people would connect more with Gender Identity Disorder? A recent post on this subreddit asked if "having Autogynephilia was like having a dual sexuality" and the conclusion I came to, after pondering this question, was that, in my personal experience, AGP is more of a "dual identity" than it is a "dual sexuality".

The "dual identity" aspect of AGP goes well with my belief that my AGP is a result of childhood trauma. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is also caused by childhood trauma, but with DID, the trauma endured by the child is so severe that it causes the personality to split, often immediately following a traumatizing experience; this initial splitting of the child's personality forms their first "alternate persona". As the trauma persists, this initial split will fracture itself further, into several, less developed identities. Like an adult who is unaware that they have been repressing unprocessed childhood trauma caused by abuse, the identities in a person with DID are typically unaware of each other. In DID, alternate identities are triggered involuntarily, and in the most severe cases even the best therapists will never speak with the true, core personality, which the alternate personas were created in order to protect.

Like the alternate personas of DID are a reaction to trauma, AGP is a reaction to trauma. Even though it is not nearly as severe trauma, or unaware of itself and involuntarily triggered, AGP is like DID in the way that both were created in order to protect the individual from experiencing the trauma. It seems as though the brain is able to process emasculation trauma via sexuality, a rewiring which ensures that the negative emotions caused by the emasculating experience will never be experienced; this rewiring of the brain is meant to protect the child from harm, and in doing so inadvertently gives birth to the dual, feminine identity. Until very recently, there was little-to-no encouragement to be open about feelings related to one's gender, and for AGP this meant that most AGP males were going through a similar progression alone, and in silence; this progression eventually leads nearly every AGP male into the realization of a female persona within themselves.

With all the trans awareness being promoted in recent years, AGP males are more aware of themselves than ever before. I have no idea whether or not this is a change for the better overall, as far as the trans community as a whole is concerned, but it is undoubtedly interfering with the way in which the current generation of AGP males are becoming aware of, and in tune with their inner feminine persona. Young AGP males are likely more stressed about being AGP in today's world than at any previous point, because of a silent but looming pressure to transition. This leads to a fixation on the idea of transitioning, causing a cycle of regret for each passing day where they do not take action; this is worsened by the perceived societal pressure and the fear of missing out (FOMO) - with each passing day furthering their natural, male maturity. Under the threat of their own testosterone, young AGP males are deciding that transition is the best choice; the reasoning behind the decision to transition is the mind convincing itself that transition is an inevitability, and the sooner the process is started, the more successful the transition i.e. the ability to "pass" as female.

Even though the young AGP male may be hesitant about transitioning, and the idea may not even be very desirable for them to think about - and even though they may not feel any disdain, mild discomfort, or even a mild dislike towards their lived experience as a male, they consider themselves doomed. As time passes, they will become more discontent with themselves as males, and will end up transitioning anyways; therefore, they decide that the sooner they transition, the more suffering will be averted. I believe that there is a third path that is often neglected and likely not even taken into consideration, and that is a life which is supportive of a dual-identity that is experienced in both a masculine and feminine gender expression.

I suspect that many AGP are being kept in captivity by their own black and white thinking - something that is very common in society presently, and holding back many different facets of society from viewing a situation from every angle. An AGP male that considers either transitioning, or being miserable continuing to live as a male, as their only possible outcomes, is practicing black and white thinking. Encouraging black and white thinking is a tactic used by the ruling class as one of many ways they maintain their position of power over society. This is one of many strategies used to divide and conquer, along with red and blue politics, systemic racism, and many other limiting ideologies that are imposed upon our societal subconscious... because if you can only think in black and white, you won't ever see the gray, which is usually the best solution or answer. Everytime throughout your life that you come to a fork in the road, you will either go left or go right, neglecting to consider the middle path. Black and white thinking causes some AGP males to believe that transitioning is the only way they will be able to express their femininity, in both their appearance and their behaviors. If I were to break it down into one single thought, it would be this: black and white thinking is the belief that men and women should adhere to their corresponding gender roles, and a man must transition to a woman, if they wish to adhere to female gender roles instead.

The middle path is forgoing the societally-imposed gender binary, which serves as a means of enforcing the illusion of duality outlined in the principle of polarity, and incorporating a lifestyle where a dual-identity is incorporated to satisfy both genders, in the way that best aligns with the goals and desires of the individual. AGP can be satiated, but it must be fed; the longer AGP desires go unfulfilled, the stronger they become. Everyone has a breaking point, where their long neglected autogynephilic needs will become unbearable, overpowering the mind of the individual until the needs are fulfilled. Often times, the AGP drives the desire to transition and live as a woman full time; it is important to be aware of the ways in which AGP can be deceptive. The desire to live as a woman might be superficial in a way similar to the desire to continue to live as a man - in both cases, your mind is playing tricks on you. Analyze the desire to live as woman full-time, and pull back the layers of your ego like you would peel an onion, to expose the AGP within, and determine the source that is driving your desires to be a woman. Are they desires driven by testosterone? To find out, analyze the strength of the desire in moments after masturbation. AGP desires will likely still be present, but much less intense and... well, desirable.

Masturbation is like putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound when it comes to AGP, and the AGP male must realize his desired feminization eventually. This does not necessarily mean a mandatory, medical transition. The feminization can be realized with an idea in mind, and the accessories to bring it to life. The AGP male must see themselves as a woman, or at least as feminized, to fulfill their desires, and if one desires to continue living as a male, transition can be avoided. Recall that cisgender people do not consider things like "the desire to continue to live as one's assigned gender"; cisgender people simply live as themselves, typically without the conscious awareness of maintaining their assigned gender roles. For the AGP male, the desire to live as a woman will persist until the desire is realized; likewise, the desire to live as a male will persist until the desire is realized. To understand these desires, pinpoint the motivations driving the desires; this will help you outline the goals you are hoping to achieve from each presentation of yourself. You may need to see yourself as a sexy woman to fulfill the female desire, and you may want to maintain the bromance with your good, longtime friends to fulfill the male desire.

You may find that many aspects of your desire to be male are external sources, which you have established as a male, while the aspects of your desire to be female are all internal desires, that are of the utmost importance to your inner well-being. The female desires will inevitably overpower the male desires because of their personal nature, but this does not mean the male desires should be abandoned. You need to be honest and analyze what is driving the desire to live as a male. If the male desires are based entirely on the feelings of other people, while neglecting your own feelings, then begin to consider the possibility of abandoning these desires, as they are not authentic. There are also many AGP males that authentically enjoy certain aspects of their lives as males, however, and if you truly value the people close to you and the way you interact with them as a male, or even if you find certain aspects of being male in society enjoyable, than you should definitely understand that you do not have to pick one or the other, and the easiest way to live is as either a male or female, with the option to choose depending on the situation. Note: AGPs that desire to be seen as a woman by other people, all the time, probably won't do well with this strategy, or this post as a whole.

The reason I have labeled the desires to live as both male and female as superficial desires is because these desires persist only until they are fulfilled, at which point they become satiated. Most of these desires are recurring, such as the desire to continue your career as a male; this desire is experienced on a regular basis, but only within the 8-10 hour block dedicated to your work day. The desire is not experienced outside of that, which is the ideal time to fulfill a female desire. Many of these involve sexuality, and can be fulfilled without medical intervention. One of the most important things for an AGP who chooses to live the majority of their life as a male is to own their submissive sexuality. If you are comfortable being in submissive role regardless of your gender presentation, then you have a high potential for successfully living a dual-gender lifestyle. Remember that believing the male should be the dominant partner, and the female should be the submissive partner is an example of black and white thinking, and should be avoided at all costs. If you can be honest with yourself, and you don't give a shit about pronouns, you can be successful juggling both genders. Most importantly, if you can't shake the feeling that no amount of medical intervention can change the fact that you are, always have been, and will continue to remain biologically male, and you don't feel like you are a woman trapped inside a man's body - then you can successfully live a dual-gender lifestyle.

As a final thought before this post ends, something that always reminds me why I do not personally want to transition, is the idea of maintaining the sanctity of femininity. For myself, feminization is a mental escape, to my happy place. My favorite vacation. Femininity is exciting, mysterious and euphoric. These are the feelings I attach to my own feminization, and I don't really want to change that. By maintaining some aspect of scarcity to the fulfillment of my female gender, I maintain the euphoria and stress relieving qualities, which I have come to associate with indulging in AGP. Basically, I do not wish to taint my time spent as a female, with anything other than mindless, self indulgence (great band, btw). The reality of being a human of a lower-upper class, is that life sucks sometimes. Everyone's life sucks sometimes, and everyone feels disappointed in themselves every once in a while. Everyone feels uncomfortable in their own skin for many reasons, the bulk of which are not gender-related. Do I really want to bring all that to my feminine identity, which I put on a pedestal that I've conceptualized as being pristine and clean? Do I want to lose the under-appreciated ability and right as a male human, to roll out of bed and into society, something that only men have the privilege of partaking in, without judgement and scorn? Don't get the wrong idea - I love putting on makeup. It is exciting, and fun - but I also know that if I was expected to put it on everytime I went outside, that I would hate it! Maybe that's just me, but I like to keep in mind that even if I were to transition into a female, I'm still going to have to deal with the fact that I'm me, and all my shortcomings will always be mine, and present within me. Just like you won't succeed in moving to a different country in an attempt to escape your problems, you likewise will not succeed in becoming a different person in an attempt to escape your biology... because after it's all said and done you're still you.

tl;dr If you have AGP but do not experience gender dysphoria, and can't decide if transition is the correct choice for you, consider other options, such as feminizing yourself enough to maintain your own sanity, and keep your AGP desires at bay. Do not get stuck in the false paradigm of gender roles. If you truly desire to keep living as a male, try feminizing yourself, as a male, on occasion. Bottom Line: You must take on a female role on occasion to live as a male with AGP

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